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So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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