if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
