Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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