Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
