I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
