i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
