these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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