You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
