Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
