Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
