I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do herpes really smell.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
