I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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