New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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