i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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