before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
