Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
