It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
