Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
