I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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