I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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