you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
