How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
