why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
