Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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