also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
