i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
