I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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