My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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