Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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