Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
