the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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