I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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