Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
BRING THE BAGELS
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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