there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
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How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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