The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
