Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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