It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
