I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
