Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
