I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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