I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
