70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
