I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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