I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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