My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
