Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
