walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
