Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
