im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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