I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
