My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
