He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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