Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
