if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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