are you still at the devil's house?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
