So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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