I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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