What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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