I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have post one night stand depression
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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